Crawlin
09-09-2005, 12:00 PM
many of you probably received this in an email, but it's too funny not to post...
> >
> > Chili Contest
> >
> > **Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
> >attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is
> >even better!
> >
> > For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this
> >is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes
> >to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
> >Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named
> >Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
> >
> > Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
> >chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
> >and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
> >directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured
> >by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
> >that spicy and, besides, they told me could have free beer during the
> >tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:
> >
> > Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> > Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> > Judge # 3 --(Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You
> >could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
> >the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> >
> > Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> > Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> >seriously.
> > Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
> >sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
> >people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
> >more beer when they saw the look on my face.
> >
> > Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
> >beans.
> > Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
> >feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
> >now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
> >now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced
> >from all of the beer.
> >
> > Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
> >Disappointing.
> > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
> >fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
> >unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
> >barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman
> >is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
> >chili an aphrodisiac?
> >
> > Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
> >ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> > Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
> >Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> > Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
> >forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
> >behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
> >her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
> >bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
> >I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
> >asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
> >
> > Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
> >balance of spices and peppers.
> > Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
> >and garlic. Superb.
> > Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
> >gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it
> >will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
> >except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel
> >my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
> >
> > Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
> >peppers.
> > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
> >can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
> >worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
> >cursing uncontrollably.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
> >and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
> >sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
> >which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like
> >**** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
> >killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it,
> >I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
> >through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
> >
> > Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
> >too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> > Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither
> >mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3
> >passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
> >Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have
> >reacted to really hot chili.
> >
> > Chili Contest
> >
> > **Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
> >attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is
> >even better!
> >
> > For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this
> >is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes
> >to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
> >Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named
> >Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
> >
> > Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
> >chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
> >and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
> >directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured
> >by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
> >that spicy and, besides, they told me could have free beer during the
> >tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:
> >
> > Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> > Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> > Judge # 3 --(Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You
> >could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
> >the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> >
> > Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> > Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> >seriously.
> > Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
> >sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
> >people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
> >more beer when they saw the look on my face.
> >
> > Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
> >beans.
> > Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
> >feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
> >now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
> >now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced
> >from all of the beer.
> >
> > Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
> >Disappointing.
> > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
> >fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
> >unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
> >barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman
> >is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
> >chili an aphrodisiac?
> >
> > Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
> >ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> > Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
> >Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> > Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
> >forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
> >behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
> >her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
> >bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
> >I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
> >asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
> >
> > Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
> >balance of spices and peppers.
> > Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
> >and garlic. Superb.
> > Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
> >gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it
> >will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
> >except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel
> >my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
> >
> > Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
> >peppers.
> > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
> >can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
> >worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
> >cursing uncontrollably.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
> >and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
> >sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
> >which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like
> >**** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
> >killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it,
> >I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
> >through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
> >
> > Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
> >too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> > Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither
> >mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3
> >passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
> >Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have
> >reacted to really hot chili.