Guys with teenage daughters, lend me your ear.

[badass88gt]

Looking for some help, here's a background. Stepdaughter is 13, almost 14. Doesnt care about much besides her friends, theyre everything to her. Lately she has really been f-ing up in school, failing a bunch of classes. We've taken away her phone, her internet, her ipod, she's always grounded because she has detention every week due to missing school work. She is applying no effort in her classes and doesnt really seem to care. Everytime I talk to her she just blows me off, "yeah, yeah, I know", etc. Its turned into a constant fight and I always end up pissed off and the asshole, and I just dont know what to do or how to talk to her. I hate yelling at her, I hate always being mad at her, I have had anger issues in the past and I am always afraid I will lose my cool and say something I regret or something that will really hurt her emotionally. Ive been with her mom for almost 6 years, Ive basically been raising her for that time, her relationship with her dad is less than perfect, far less to be honest.

At school she has study classes where she is doing all her work, or so she says. Her teachers say otherwise, I am thinking the first step is to make her bring everything home so we can doublecheck it like a little kid.

I guess I'm looking for help with talking to her, how can I/we get through to her? We've taken away all her material stuff that she likes, grounding her to her room is no use because she loves being in her room. What effective punishment and methods can I use, I'm at my wit's end with her. Thanks for listening---Dan

[WickedSix]

I can't offer advice other from the perspective of the middle child with one sister older and one younger. I think the most important thing for you to know is you aren't alone in this battle. My older sister unbuckled her seatbelt and jumped out of a moving vehicle to stop listening to my parents and my younger sister tried to run away to a friends house because she didn't think my parents were being fair. I don't want to make gross generalizations but women have more pressures on them during that time than us guys....tho many seem to be self inflicted...they worry about what their friends think, what other people think, what boys think...idk about u man but when i was 13 the only real stress i had was working at the golfcourse..... to me its important to find out what has made her take this course of action...and it shouldn't be your battle alone, her mother should be equally disapproving of the behavior because if she is geting mixed messages from her parents its only going to add to the problem

[Josepy]

Not much advice from me either. I myself was a terrible student. Hated school only cared about friends. The more my parents pushed the worse i got. Finally they stopped pushing so hard and I calmed down and straightened up. Good luck. I am dreading when my 2 girls get to be that age.

[03Seville]

No real advice here due to the fact that my daughter is far from her teens still, just make sure you find some sort of way to get through to her before things get worse. I've seen way to many parents give up and then the kids never learn how to be a responsible adult. (I dont think this is much of a concern though considering you took the time to ask the questions, so that obviously shows you're trying)

[Holeshot]

Coming from a relationship raising 4 step children I first want to say I commend you. The first problem is that you are not her biological father yeah I know obvious right. Your going to be tested every chance there is. Its a fine balance between being a hard ass and being a friend. We all thought we knew everything at that age. Trying to determine whats going can be a nightmare. You need to come down to her level and look for things like hormonal changes, is she being bullied, drugs, is she not being challenged in her class studies..... Did she have a falling out with a best friend or is she depressed. How is her relationship with her mother. Has she started smoking? smell her clothes for signs of cigarettes , pot ....

Not saying she is a bad kid or would even do things like that just giving you ideas what to look for.

Tell her you care about her as a person and her feelings and when she is unhappy it makes you unhappy. Let her know that you are there to help and you can only do that if she lets you in and shares her feeling. Don't push to much but let her know you want to help. You have to earn her trust and respect for her to to be open and honest with you. I don't condone spying but it may be in her best interest for you to look at a facebook or myspace page if she has one.

Most important is to reward her when she does well and try to focus on the good things and not so much on all the negative. Positive re enforcement works so much better and makes them feel better about themselves and at 13 thats what matters most at that age. help build her self-esteem if its low and her new confidence will reflect in positive behavior .

[badass88gt]

Good ideas, keep them coming.

As for the social networking, thats also been taken away. I do agree with the step thing, its a fine line, walking on eggshells. My main concern is fixing this before its too late.

[Slow5oh]

I did the same thing once I got to highschool my parents were up my ass about grades. Once they stopped being so pushy I realized how much I was screwing up b/c I wasn't busy doing something to piss them off and fixed my grades

[fivonut]

I don't think the "step" thing has anything to do with it. My biologocal 14 y/o son does the exact same stoopid shit. Lies about home work, doesn't care about grades, talks back, and just doesn't seem to really care what consequences his actions have. The one thing he and your step daughter have in common is they both come from a broken home. I have primary placement of my kids from my first marriage and no matter how hard I've tried to make their life as normal as I can the fact the their mother and I aren't together seems to put some added stress on them.

One thing I've figured out is that piling on the punishments doesn't do any good for anyone involved. I'd sit her down and explain that you understand that her friends are important and that she wants to be able to hang out with them and you want to let her, but she has responsibilities that she needs to see to first. Turn the phone and computer time and friend time into a positive reward that she can earn. I wouldn't set the bar too high, make it realistic. If she holds a C average she's allowed to tke the cell phone. If she gets her assignments done she earns time out with friends. Really, it's not that different than punishing her for not doing it, but it puts a positive spin on it and makes her think and feel like she's accomplishing something instead of her mean parents taking everything away.

Can't promise it'll work, I bought a nice lil starter snowmobile for my oldest son to use and all he had to do was hold a B average or better (which he's plenty capable of) and it was his to ride whenever he wanted, and he didn't do it. So now the only time he rides is when he comes with the rest of the family.

[Holeshot]

I do believe that the step does to a degree. I am adopted and I pulled the same shit. From comments like Your not my father I don't have to listen to you , I hate you and you will never be my father..... I used it as leverage and as an excuse all the time. Its a trump card and used for spite and I played it well as a kid.

[lilws6]

my sister just went thru a faze last year of this. she was 15 tho. she got my mom to call her in sick all the time and didn't do school work at all. not this year she was just on b honor role. i was not even close to b honor role in school. i did the same things blew of school work to hang out with friends. again wasn't until later that i realized how important school should have been. i easily graduated but still i should have payed more atention i think its an early teen thing

[lordairgtar]

Wish i had something for you. Eight years working in drug rehab, I saw a lot. I guess all you can do is just be there and let her realize you love her regardless. on a humorous note, you could show her the woman on Michelle's post with the 54 gags of heroin, tell her this is what becomes of you when you don't study and get good grades....maybe not the best idea after all. What about getting that Total Transformation Program? I think that guy is offering it for free right now. I hear the commercials for it all the time. Last stand would be Military School.

[Dr.Buick]

I will say I do have a 13 year old, she is into her friends but, I make time EVERYDAY to spend with her and see what she is up to. I keep track of her friends and what she is doing. She does get lippy but thsn she stands in the corner! as far as school all work get brought home and checked (By the wife). but she gets A's and B's first C she got she did not go out till next report card. I did find out get her involved in extra stuff at school like Band less time to goof off.

[michelle]

Best wishes. It's nice to hear (from a teacher's perspective) of a parent (and multiple parents in this thread) that someone is caring at home. I teach mainly middle school students and it certainly is a tough transition for them as they try to find out who they are. They want to grow up so quickly.

[73MACH]

I do believe that the step does to a degree. I am adopted and I pulled the same shit. From comments like Your not my father I don't have to listen to you , I hate you and you will never be my father..... I used it as leverage and as an excuse all the time. Its a trump card and used for spite and I played it well as a kid.

Agreed, I did the same to my step-dad and mom, for years........now I have 2 step sons, and it's coming full circle! And the behavior is the same for my 9 year old step-son, homework, school work, rules, etc...and he's ONLY 9!! What am I in for? friends not so much quiet yet.

I have an awesome relationship with my step-dad now. I respect him the most of anyone I know and I go to him for advice on how to deal with alot of stuff from the kids dad to the kids and homework.

Good luck

[GHOSST]

Phase.

[Yooformula]

yes its a phase but IMO, try to find a common ground with her no matter small it is. Try to do stuff she would like, maybe a family movie night where the 2 of you watch something she likes or show some sort of specific interest in something she likes. While she is grounded rent a movie that you KNOW she would like and just put it on then see if she watches it with you or have her friends come by during her "grounding" but You stay close by with wisecracks of some sort. Friends with cool dads tend to be popular. Taking away all of her favorite possessions will only make her find a replacement and that goes for "freedom and/or family types" in general. Spend time with her everyday as Jim stated. Make it part homework time and game time maybe. We use homework then Wii or Nds battles.

[1320PNY]

Outside the Box thinking: What you take away isn't motivating her. Why not ADD something to the equation? How about a 16 yr old "Cute" Boy Tutor whom is paid based on her Grade improvement? Find a kid looking to make some cash. "Cute Boy" that is a few years older (has car) and a good GPA. Establish with HIM that pay is based on CONTINUED improvement. If she doesn't get better grades, tell him the deal is over.

This way HE is inspired to make her get better grades. SHE is inspired to do well to get this "HOT GUY" to come over to the house. The whole time there is no real danger as 16yr old boys WILL NOT date 13 yr old girls.

Just a crazy idea? Since you simply are exhausting the "take away" conveniences and it isn't working.

[juicedimpss]

maybe she should hang out with Myles for a few days...

[awsomeears]

Most important is to reward her when she does well and try to focus on the good things and not so much on all the negative. Positive re enforcement works so much better and makes them feel better about themselves and at 13 thats what matters most at that age. help build her self-esteem if its low and her new confidence will reflect in positive behavior .

This is so important !!!!!!!!!!!!

What is one thing you know she does well at ? when is the last time you said sweetie you did a awesome job and I'm proud of you and leave it at that ?

I had a few friends like that, parents totally hammering on them for 5 wrong things out of 10. But the other 5 things they were either Great or good at but not paid attention.

When is the last time you asked her " Hey lets get a burger or a coffee ? if she turns you down just say ok and try again later.....

[Lash]

16yr old boys WILL NOT date 13 yr old girls

Why not? Teachers do......

Bad idea IMO.




Have you ever thought about switching schools? A change of scenery and friends might help.

[03Seville]

Why not? Teachers do......

Bad idea IMO.




Have you ever thought about switching schools? A change of scenery and friends might help.


I agree with the 16y/o boy being a bad idea but also think switching schools is the wrong way to go about it. All people react diff but in my own personal experience that didn't work out at all

[Prince Valiant]

You know, people might roll their eyes at such a suggestion...but have you ever considered family counseling?

I KNOW, I know....I'm more or less the same way in that I should not need a counselor every time a problem with my (non-existent in my case) kids come up, or if I have trouble with my wife, etc, etc, etc....

*but* there are cases in which it's appropriate...and you might want to consider that this is one of them.

Look at it this way...you've tried discipline (ie, grounding, taking away privileges, etc), you do find it difficult to talk/reason with her without it ending up in a fight, which you obviously hate, AND it's just a difficult situation to begin, with her being a teenage step child with bad male relationships (ie, with her dad).

This isn't a situation where counseling is needed because of some short-coming on your part, or even her part....but the fact of the matter is that no one just *knows* automatically how to deal with a kid like this....or more accurately, how to communicate to a child like this. Likewise, she may not know how to communicate with you...which that actually seems pretty clear.

But that's all that a family counselor would do...help to find a way for her mom to communicate with her, YOU to communicate with her, and how she can communicate with you guys. Right now it seems obviously pretty broken...and while she may or may not care, you (and her mother) obviously do.

Now, I'm pretty sure she cares too...I guessing that the fights upset her, as well as loss of privileges, etc.

You have to keep in mind that these are formative years in her life...if she gets behind in school, this could hurt her for the rest of her life. Likewise, if she learns to deal with adversity with family matters by lying, cheating, screaming, etc...this is how she'll learn to deal with many of life's issues...or worse, seek out bad relationships because she only knows a relationship with fighting in it. You could try to tough it out, but hey...really you don't have much time left with her. In a little over 4 years, she'll be 18 and possibly gone.

It'll improve your guys ability to communicate not just to get through this issue now, but it'll give you guys the skills when future issues eventually come up, as they are certain to do.

Just a personal experience: My wife suffer from anorexia nervosa, along with a couple other things that frequently accompany the condition (OCD, anxiety, etc). Now, anorexics WANT to be anorexic...its part of a bizarre illness that is tough to beat, even by one who is committed to recovery. Though I fancied myself educated in her illness, and having expectations of it "being tough" but just believing we could deal with set-backs and what not, I believed we didn't need any outside help (counseling).

Well, that didn't work out too well...much like you, found that Meg and I were fighting, I was becoming angry at her because she wasn't doing well in her recovery, blah blah blah, the whole 9 yards. Meg and I were resenting each other and really didn't have the skills to cope...though we kept trying. Finally I relented and we started couples therapy (like family counseling, but without kids) and though it wasn't easy, we really ARE a much better couple. Much of the same triggers that used to start fights are easily resolved without anger. She trust to tell me things she wouldn't have before, and I trust to tell her things I kept inside as well...communication happens much more easily and freely and there is no doubting our lives together is 1000% improved.

The fact was, there was no way on God's green earth anyone, much less myself, anyone was ready to be able to deal with a relationship with that mix of cards. As ready as I thought I was, I wasn't...

There are still disagreements and spats, but hey...we don't say harmful, hurtful things, we do work things out fairly quickly, and we're both much better off for it.

It's not easy going to family counseling...but in the end, it's well worth it, believe me (some random dude on the 'nets)

[Firefighter Z]

Just watch the "Uncle Buck" movie... I'm sure there some good pointer in there. lol.

[badass88gt]

Thanks everyone, I think we are going to focus on the school thing. Overall she is a good kid, she is a happy kid, she knows she is loved and she loves us as well. We are going to look at tutoring as an option and go from there.

[Xephona]

Quote from the great Bender.... "Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them?"

On a more serious note, think of things from her perspective. What do you think would motivate you to get better grades? Maybe having a chat with her teacher/principal about holding her back a year in school? I know that I sure as hell would have tried my damnedest to not be stuck in the same grade while all of my friends moved on and realized I was retarded. Or if she likes being in her room... ground her to the living room to sit with you all day and let her choose to either watch whatever "lame television" you choose to watch... or do her homework.

[Moparjim]

I went through the exact same thing, my stepdaughter is now 19 and only now is finally getting it. I could type volumes, or you could just call me if your interested in my insight lol. I will pm you my number.

[Neal Steffek]

Quote from the great Bender.... "Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them?"



Win

[SCHM1AN]

I am a step-son to my step-father. Never really got to know my biological dad real well, but I had a great upbringing from my mom's parents and her brothers and sisters. Regardless, my step-father was very militaristic in his doings. I was always a bright kid but never really applied myself. He applied the "Finnish method" since his business partner is from Finland and did the same to his 4 daughters... The Finnish method goes like this: If you're a minute late getting home (no excuses) or you don't pull a B average in school, you pull weeds all summer, you clean the bathroom with a toothbrush, you walk everywhere you go (nobody is allowed to pick you up but Mom & Dad), no sports, no after-school activities, weekly grade reports from teachers, no allowance... the list goes on. I was constantly *this close* to being sent to St. John's Military Academy in Pewaukee. This was my life since I was 7 years old. I'm now 22 and about to graduate MSOE. There were times I hated my step-dad, but looking back, he's one of the most influential figures in my life and one of my best friends. He figured out the things I wanted (to go to UW-Madison, to get a car, to ride motorcycles, to have money, etc.) and he basically said "if you want all these things, you're not going to get them performing the way you are. You've got to work for it."

Best of luck to you and your family.

-Ian

[FoxStang]

I'm with the provide incentives crowd. My parents used to do report card payouts, certain amount of money for each grade (ie A's are 20 B's 15 C's 5). Motivated me to work a little harder, but most of all telling me in 7th grade that from here on out its on you. You want to grow up and be successful your gonna have to work your ass off to get good grades and get into a good school. And that means getting a job too. Some people do better with more on their plate, have her get a job or get involved in some school activities. This probably will be something that's gonna take time to change, but it seems like your taking steps and hopefully you'll make progress.

[badass88gt]

I can understand that, my only concern is Ive been raised with "why reward someone for something they are SUPPOSED to do?", like schoolwork. She is expected and supposed to get good grades, study hard, complete her assignments, etc. so she shouldnt be rewarded for doing what she is supposed to, but I think we are going to start with a clean slate and try to get the train back on its tracks.

I'm trying to stay openminded with regards to how I was raised, discipline, new ideas and methods, etc.

[FoxStang]

I can understand that, my only concern is Ive been raised with "why reward someone for something they are SUPPOSED to do?", like schoolwork. She is expected and supposed to get good grades, study hard, complete her assignments, etc. so she shouldnt be rewarded for doing what she is supposed to, but I think we are going to start with a clean slate and try to get the train back on its tracks.

I'm trying to stay openminded with regards to how I was raised, discipline, new ideas and methods, etc.
I hear you on the whole do what your supposed to idea, and agree with it partially. But in my eyes whats a couple hundred bucks for grades 10 years from if she gets into a good university and graduates? Think of it as a sales bonus of sorts.

[Larrygto]

Check her phone and computer for pictures teenage girls take pictures of everything. You'll find where she's been, what she's been doing and who's she's been with. I think they take the pictures so they can show off to there friends and aren't very smart about hiding them.

[Sprayaway Fox]

Hand her a stripping application, and tell her if she wants to keep going on the route shes is going, she might as well start filling this out.

[wrath]

No kid should ever be rewarded for doing what they're supposed to do. Where did you think the sense of entitlement came from? Does last place really deserve a trophy?

No electronics or forms of communication in the bedroom, at all. It makes hiding in your bedroom all day quite boring. Put the computer in the living room or dining room. You don't need to take the computer away that way.

Get some books on negotiation and reasoning skills. Everyone understands solid reasoning, even the unreasonable.

You probably know someone through the grapevine that has a kid in their early 20s that went down the same road that your kid is headed down. Might be worth showing your kid what happens when you fall off the wagon. Late 20s is even more interesting but can be quite depressing so I'd avoid that. By the time the late 20s rolls around a person is pretty much doomed as the sky really isn't the limit anymore. They've already pissed away too much time.

Kids are resilient. However, kids are pretty weak in "fairness" and repercussions/consequences. Explain/use reasoning to work with the kid. You might be surprised.

[lordairgtar]

maybe she should hang out with Myles for a few days...

Oh God No!

[FoxStang]

Everyone understands solid reasoning, even the unreasonable.


If only this were true...

[wrath]

If only this were true...

They understand, they just aren't listening. Unless they're developmentally disabled.

[jersyboyy]

At that age, taking away usually only makes them focus on wanting to get back at the parents more and less worrying about what they need to do about being successfull for them selves. Its a phase you have to handle delicately or itll only worsen. Show some interest in what she enjoys, invite her friends over get to know them a little bit make her feel like being around you and her mom is fun and cool and maybe then she'll listen to those tid bits of advice you drop here and there, not bark at her. Handle this the right way and with patience and understanding shell make a turn around for sure, if not itll only be hell till shes 18 and you kick her out.