d0nut
09-02-2009, 08:34 PM
Forwarded to me by E mail today:
I pump iron, because iron-pumping is manly. I returned to Oxford after a long winter break to find that my gym had been taken over by idiots. Every January these collar-popping pansies pollute my gym in hopes of gaining last-minute beach muscle in time for spring break. Then, by March they're gone. This futile attempt to reverse a semester of binge drinking is turning my palace of testosterone into a combination of TRL and the Mickey Mouse Club, this annual phenomenon also illustrates the general lack of manliness in today's society. Kids these days lack the sufficient couth, persistence and sportsmanship to maintain a grueling, manly year-round workout. These girly-men need to get the hell out of my gym. I miss days of our grandfathers, back when men were real men. Back then the game of dodgeball was played with rocks and the game of dodgerock was played with knives. I miss the days when everyone was a badass. Somehow between then and now fate decided to take a steaming hot dump all over Darwin's grave as a generation of salty war veterans gave way to a generation of scarf-wearing v@ginas. It hurts me to think that for years society stands idly painting its fingernails while icons like Clint Eastwood are replaced by wieners like Ryan Seacrest. If these generations of manly men were still alive they would spit tobacco juice in Ryan Seacrest's face and then make him wash and wax their Trans Am. Back in the good old days things were much simpler. Back then you could walk into a café and not be totally confused. This is because back then it didn't matter if you were trying to order, cappuccino, mocha latte or espresso they were all called the same thing - scotch. Back then four out of five doctors recommended smoking. This isn't because of doctors' ignorance to the dangers of smoking. This is because lungs used to be much more manly. Lungs used to be a manly shade of black instead of a girly shade of pink. But these days our lungs have devolved into an advanced state of weenie-ism making us incapable of enjoying rich tobacco goodness. When manly men aren't eating pieces of s*** like you for breakfast they're eating sausage wrapped in bacon, wrapped in more bacon and topped with a fried egg, and they wash it down with a glass of bacon grease, topped off with a doctor recommended cigarette. Look at any grumpy old man and the first thing you'll notice is that he smells like a medium-sized pile of garbage that is sitting on top of a large-sized pile of garbage. This is because of years and years of stink that has built up from a combination of bare-knuckle boxing and bare-knuckle lumberjacking. Wimps, weenies and vegetarians are ruining our great nation. America is on a downward spiral, we've got a fever and the only prescription is scotch, red meat and lumberjacks.
> MAN TEST
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...F@ggot.
2. If you have a cat, you are a h0mo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched, you're so queer.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a H0mo in training and undeniably a f@g.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep h0mo$exu@l relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free @ss passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is; you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are poofter.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-@ss driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.
8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being an @ss puncher.
I pump iron, because iron-pumping is manly. I returned to Oxford after a long winter break to find that my gym had been taken over by idiots. Every January these collar-popping pansies pollute my gym in hopes of gaining last-minute beach muscle in time for spring break. Then, by March they're gone. This futile attempt to reverse a semester of binge drinking is turning my palace of testosterone into a combination of TRL and the Mickey Mouse Club, this annual phenomenon also illustrates the general lack of manliness in today's society. Kids these days lack the sufficient couth, persistence and sportsmanship to maintain a grueling, manly year-round workout. These girly-men need to get the hell out of my gym. I miss days of our grandfathers, back when men were real men. Back then the game of dodgeball was played with rocks and the game of dodgerock was played with knives. I miss the days when everyone was a badass. Somehow between then and now fate decided to take a steaming hot dump all over Darwin's grave as a generation of salty war veterans gave way to a generation of scarf-wearing v@ginas. It hurts me to think that for years society stands idly painting its fingernails while icons like Clint Eastwood are replaced by wieners like Ryan Seacrest. If these generations of manly men were still alive they would spit tobacco juice in Ryan Seacrest's face and then make him wash and wax their Trans Am. Back in the good old days things were much simpler. Back then you could walk into a café and not be totally confused. This is because back then it didn't matter if you were trying to order, cappuccino, mocha latte or espresso they were all called the same thing - scotch. Back then four out of five doctors recommended smoking. This isn't because of doctors' ignorance to the dangers of smoking. This is because lungs used to be much more manly. Lungs used to be a manly shade of black instead of a girly shade of pink. But these days our lungs have devolved into an advanced state of weenie-ism making us incapable of enjoying rich tobacco goodness. When manly men aren't eating pieces of s*** like you for breakfast they're eating sausage wrapped in bacon, wrapped in more bacon and topped with a fried egg, and they wash it down with a glass of bacon grease, topped off with a doctor recommended cigarette. Look at any grumpy old man and the first thing you'll notice is that he smells like a medium-sized pile of garbage that is sitting on top of a large-sized pile of garbage. This is because of years and years of stink that has built up from a combination of bare-knuckle boxing and bare-knuckle lumberjacking. Wimps, weenies and vegetarians are ruining our great nation. America is on a downward spiral, we've got a fever and the only prescription is scotch, red meat and lumberjacks.
> MAN TEST
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...F@ggot.
2. If you have a cat, you are a h0mo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched, you're so queer.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a H0mo in training and undeniably a f@g.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep h0mo$exu@l relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free @ss passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is; you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are poofter.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-@ss driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.
8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being an @ss puncher.