d0nut
03-17-2009, 07:35 PM
I found this in the activity section and laughed my ass off:
Reply to: comm-afupe-1079067806@craigslist.org
Date: 2009-03-17, 11:53AM
With the recession in full swing, Iran's looming nuclear threat, and genetically modified foods, it seems like a zombie outbreak is imminent. As such, I am putting together a rag-tag group of strangers in the hope that we can band together and fight off zombies together. I am particularly looking for:
*One Black. I would prefer my token Black to be male and conform to as many social stereotypes as possible. When you apply for this position, I would like you to send me a brief video of you saying various things, imagining a zombie has just been shot. If you can deliver lines like, "Oooooh! Snap!" "Tha's whati'mtalkingabout right THERE!" and "YOU MY DOG MAN!" you may be offered a slot in my group.
*One Mexican. No Dominicans, Peruvians, Costa Ricans, Cubans, just MEXICANS. If you are Samoan and think you can pass for Mexican, I WILL KNOW YOU ARE LYING! I would prefer the Mexican to be an attractive woman, similar to Salma Hayek. However, I am aware that most attractive Mexican women stay in Mexico, so if I cannot find a suitable Mexican woman, my second choice would be a Cheech and Chong type male who can groan and call me "Essa" at the same time.
***IMPORTANT NOTE ABOUT OTHER RACES: I am not looking for any Europeans, people of Middle Eastern descent, Australians, Africans, or Asians. Sorry, but I just can't trust you enough. You may well have played a part in the zombie outbreak, and I would be scared of you pointing a gun at me halfway through the zombie outbreak, telling me that "I've gone far enough" and that "I'll have that sample now," and that "I can't believe you fell for it!"
*One attractive woman with small breasts. Possibly a doctor or some sort of specialist. Must be prepared to have sex with me and all other male survivors. Nude photos please.
*Attractive "Ice Queen." Short haired, butch female soldier. NO LESBIANS. You must possess some sort of humanity beneath your icy facade, and as we both know, lesbians have no humanity. They have Humynity.
*Incredibly attractive woman with large breasts. Must be prepared to get eaten while trying to seduce red neck survivor.
*Red neck survivor. Male. Must conform to all Southern stereotypes, and sound like a walking Blue Collar TV episode. Please send video saying such things as "God darn it!" "What in tarnation!?" and "Heh, heh, heh, well would you look at that?"
*Older couple. Must be prepared to stay behind to stay together. I am not too concerned about either of you, because you will probably die fairly early on.
*Vietnam vet. Must suffer from PTSD and own own guns.
*Child who can't find parents. You must be willing to run away from your parents when the zombie outbreak begins. How else can we find you later on and try to reunite you with your parents, only to find they're already dead?
*Muscular male. Mute preferred. You will not be expected to say anything.
Please note that I am not looking for anyone who is employed by a clandestine pharmaceutical company or special biohazard response unit. In addition, if you are likely to get bitten by a zombie, only to cover up your infection, turning into a zombie at the worst possible moment, do not bother to contact me.
No time wasters please.
Reply to: comm-afupe-1079067806@craigslist.org
Date: 2009-03-17, 11:53AM
With the recession in full swing, Iran's looming nuclear threat, and genetically modified foods, it seems like a zombie outbreak is imminent. As such, I am putting together a rag-tag group of strangers in the hope that we can band together and fight off zombies together. I am particularly looking for:
*One Black. I would prefer my token Black to be male and conform to as many social stereotypes as possible. When you apply for this position, I would like you to send me a brief video of you saying various things, imagining a zombie has just been shot. If you can deliver lines like, "Oooooh! Snap!" "Tha's whati'mtalkingabout right THERE!" and "YOU MY DOG MAN!" you may be offered a slot in my group.
*One Mexican. No Dominicans, Peruvians, Costa Ricans, Cubans, just MEXICANS. If you are Samoan and think you can pass for Mexican, I WILL KNOW YOU ARE LYING! I would prefer the Mexican to be an attractive woman, similar to Salma Hayek. However, I am aware that most attractive Mexican women stay in Mexico, so if I cannot find a suitable Mexican woman, my second choice would be a Cheech and Chong type male who can groan and call me "Essa" at the same time.
***IMPORTANT NOTE ABOUT OTHER RACES: I am not looking for any Europeans, people of Middle Eastern descent, Australians, Africans, or Asians. Sorry, but I just can't trust you enough. You may well have played a part in the zombie outbreak, and I would be scared of you pointing a gun at me halfway through the zombie outbreak, telling me that "I've gone far enough" and that "I'll have that sample now," and that "I can't believe you fell for it!"
*One attractive woman with small breasts. Possibly a doctor or some sort of specialist. Must be prepared to have sex with me and all other male survivors. Nude photos please.
*Attractive "Ice Queen." Short haired, butch female soldier. NO LESBIANS. You must possess some sort of humanity beneath your icy facade, and as we both know, lesbians have no humanity. They have Humynity.
*Incredibly attractive woman with large breasts. Must be prepared to get eaten while trying to seduce red neck survivor.
*Red neck survivor. Male. Must conform to all Southern stereotypes, and sound like a walking Blue Collar TV episode. Please send video saying such things as "God darn it!" "What in tarnation!?" and "Heh, heh, heh, well would you look at that?"
*Older couple. Must be prepared to stay behind to stay together. I am not too concerned about either of you, because you will probably die fairly early on.
*Vietnam vet. Must suffer from PTSD and own own guns.
*Child who can't find parents. You must be willing to run away from your parents when the zombie outbreak begins. How else can we find you later on and try to reunite you with your parents, only to find they're already dead?
*Muscular male. Mute preferred. You will not be expected to say anything.
Please note that I am not looking for anyone who is employed by a clandestine pharmaceutical company or special biohazard response unit. In addition, if you are likely to get bitten by a zombie, only to cover up your infection, turning into a zombie at the worst possible moment, do not bother to contact me.
No time wasters please.