GRAMPS SS
03-07-2007, 06:11 PM
Oil Change instructions for Women:
> >
> > 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
> > last oil change.
> > 2) Drink a cup of coffee
> > 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
> > maintained vehicle.
> >
> > Money spent:
> > Oil Change: $20.00
> > Coffee: $1.00
> > Total: $21.00
> >
> >
> > Oil Change instructions for Men:
> >
> > 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
> > oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a
> > check for $50.00.
> > 2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
> > 3) Open a beer and drink it.
> > 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
> > 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
> > 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
> > 7) Place drain pan under engine.
> > 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
> > 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
> > 10) Unscrew drain plug.
> > 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
> > Cuss.
> > 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
> > Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
> > 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
> > 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
> > 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
> > filter and twist off.
> > 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
> > everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
> > trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
> > 17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
> > gasket surface.
> > 18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
> > 19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
> > 20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
> > 21) Drink beer.
> > 22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
> > kitty litter on oil spill.
> > 23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
> > 24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
> > oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
> > tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess
> > skin between knuckles and frame.
> > 25) Begin cussing fit.
> > 26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
> > 27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
> > 28) Beer.
> > 29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
> > 30) Beer.
> > 31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
> > 32) Beer.
> > 33) Lower car from jack stands.
> > 34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
> > during any missed steps.
> > 35) Beer.
> > 36) Test drive car.
> > 37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
> > 38) Car gets impounded.
> > 39) Call loving wife, make bail.
> > 40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
> >
> > Money spent:
> > Parts $50.00
> > DUI $2500.00
> > Impound fee $75.00
> > Bail $1500.00
> > Beer $20.00
> > Total $4,145.00
> > (But you know the job was done right!)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
>
> >
> > 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
> > last oil change.
> > 2) Drink a cup of coffee
> > 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
> > maintained vehicle.
> >
> > Money spent:
> > Oil Change: $20.00
> > Coffee: $1.00
> > Total: $21.00
> >
> >
> > Oil Change instructions for Men:
> >
> > 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
> > oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a
> > check for $50.00.
> > 2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
> > 3) Open a beer and drink it.
> > 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
> > 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
> > 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
> > 7) Place drain pan under engine.
> > 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
> > 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
> > 10) Unscrew drain plug.
> > 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
> > Cuss.
> > 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
> > Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
> > 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
> > 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
> > 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
> > filter and twist off.
> > 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
> > everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
> > trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
> > 17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
> > gasket surface.
> > 18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
> > 19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
> > 20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
> > 21) Drink beer.
> > 22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
> > kitty litter on oil spill.
> > 23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
> > 24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
> > oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
> > tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess
> > skin between knuckles and frame.
> > 25) Begin cussing fit.
> > 26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
> > 27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
> > 28) Beer.
> > 29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
> > 30) Beer.
> > 31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
> > 32) Beer.
> > 33) Lower car from jack stands.
> > 34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
> > during any missed steps.
> > 35) Beer.
> > 36) Test drive car.
> > 37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
> > 38) Car gets impounded.
> > 39) Call loving wife, make bail.
> > 40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
> >
> > Money spent:
> > Parts $50.00
> > DUI $2500.00
> > Impound fee $75.00
> > Bail $1500.00
> > Beer $20.00
> > Total $4,145.00
> > (But you know the job was done right!)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
>