jbiscuit
05-04-2006, 01:54 PM
Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.
Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"
Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord
Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times
China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty
Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.
Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.
Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s ****.
Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.
Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.
Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.
Chuck Norris doesnt have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.
On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split
open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't ******* think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out; roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."
Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living **** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was
a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then trank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"
Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord
Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times
China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty
Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.
Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.
Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s ****.
Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.
Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.
Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.
Chuck Norris doesnt have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.
On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split
open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't ******* think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out; roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."
Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living **** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was
a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then trank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.