theavenger333
04-02-2006, 04:03 AM
2005 Darwin Awards
>
>
>
>In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards,
>here they are. The awards this year are, once again, truly classic. These
>awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains or estate of) that
>individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to
>remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Just think...until
>these events, these same people were walking the streets like normal
>people.
>
>
>5th RUNNER-UP:
>
>Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at
>the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad.
>22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital.
>The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department
>said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump
>alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike
>Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to
>protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to
>slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has been
>investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad
>removed.
>-----------------------------------------------------
>
>4th RUNNER-UP:
>
>Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis
>market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot
>dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found
>him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch
>wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
>-----------------------------------------------------
>
>3rd RUNNER-UP:
>
>Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him
>on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
>-----------------------------------------------------
>
>2nd RUNNER-UP:
>
>"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably
>related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet
>to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his
>mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth,
>and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a
>prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another
>man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it.
> It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He
>put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips
>and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition
>Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at
>Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing
>something like that," Payne said.
>-----------------------------------------------------
>
>1st RUNNER-UP:
>
>Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the
>skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon
>from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend
>during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous
>(probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass,
>Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow
>entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1
>millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and
>Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon, Doctor Johnny Delashaw,
>at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10
>inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet
>somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that
>had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have
>killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had
>been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this. "
>No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's
>office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
>-----------------------------------------------------
>
>And Now... THIS YEAR'S WINNER:
>
>(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the
>great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at
>the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18
>beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine
>foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to
>the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier
>than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence and then assist his friend over.
>
>Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the
>other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself
>crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along
>with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling
>from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below
>him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his
>pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the
>tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp
>leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his
>shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, upon
>landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Hawkins, seeing his friend
>in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to
>safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away.
>However, in his drunken haste, he put the truck into reverse and crashed
>through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived
>to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck
>and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the
>truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly
>stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a
>tree branch 25 feet in the air. Congratulations gentlemen. You win. And
>some more idiots have been removed from the gene pool.
>
>
>
>In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards,
>here they are. The awards this year are, once again, truly classic. These
>awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains or estate of) that
>individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to
>remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Just think...until
>these events, these same people were walking the streets like normal
>people.
>
>
>5th RUNNER-UP:
>
>Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at
>the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad.
>22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital.
>The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department
>said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump
>alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike
>Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to
>protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to
>slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has been
>investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad
>removed.
>-----------------------------------------------------
>
>4th RUNNER-UP:
>
>Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis
>market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot
>dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found
>him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch
>wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
>-----------------------------------------------------
>
>3rd RUNNER-UP:
>
>Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him
>on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
>-----------------------------------------------------
>
>2nd RUNNER-UP:
>
>"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably
>related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet
>to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his
>mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth,
>and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a
>prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another
>man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it.
> It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He
>put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips
>and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition
>Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at
>Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing
>something like that," Payne said.
>-----------------------------------------------------
>
>1st RUNNER-UP:
>
>Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the
>skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon
>from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend
>during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous
>(probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass,
>Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow
>entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1
>millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and
>Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon, Doctor Johnny Delashaw,
>at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10
>inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet
>somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that
>had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have
>killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had
>been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this. "
>No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's
>office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
>-----------------------------------------------------
>
>And Now... THIS YEAR'S WINNER:
>
>(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the
>great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at
>the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18
>beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine
>foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to
>the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier
>than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence and then assist his friend over.
>
>Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the
>other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself
>crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along
>with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling
>from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below
>him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his
>pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the
>tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp
>leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his
>shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, upon
>landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Hawkins, seeing his friend
>in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to
>safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away.
>However, in his drunken haste, he put the truck into reverse and crashed
>through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived
>to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck
>and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the
>truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly
>stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a
>tree branch 25 feet in the air. Congratulations gentlemen. You win. And
>some more idiots have been removed from the gene pool.