SMS 1
04-01-2006, 07:56 PM
Found this while looking for a CTU Phone ringtone for my new cell . . .
What if Jack Bauer ran a Starbucks?
The camera pans up on a starbucks counter in suburban Los Angeles. A strung out Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) stands at a cash register, looking non plussed. A business man in a suit, carrying a briefcase walks up to the counter.
Man 1: Venti Vanilla Soy Latte
Jack: There's no time for that. Here's a large coffee. Now gimme three bucks and you won't get hurt.
Man 1: Um. But what about my Soy?
Jack: **** your soy, can't you see the world's in danger?
****
A hip web programmer walks in and sees Jack at the counter.
Man 2: Yo dude, venti 8 pump soy chai lattte dude.
Jack: There. is. no. time.
Man 2: There's always time for chai, man.
Jack: We are runnning out of time. We can't stick to protocol here, you know I'm right and you'll just have to trust me.
Jack hands him a mocha and pushes him out the front door.
****
Jack goes to refill the milk pitchers and finds them empty. He marches back to the storage area, where his coworker is bound and gagged to a chair, looking panicked. He removes his ball gag and draws the gun out from the waistband of his black jeans.
Jack: WHERE IS THE CREAMER
Employee: *whimper* Don't kill me man
Jack: WHERE IS THE GODDAMN CREAMER!
Employee, crying: I dunno man, this is only my second day
Jack shoots him in the foot, Employee screams.
Jack: We don't have time for this, just tell me where the creamer is before I really snap.
****
Jack is holding a clipboard, looking at the manifest for his supply delivery. A swarthy delivery man is moving boxes out of his truck into the supply room.
Jack: Wait a minute. There are only six boxes of latte flavor bottles here.
Delivery, in accent: I bring what I have
Jack: Don't give me that, I know what the chatter says, you've got eight boxes for me.
Delivery: I know what I have, I have six
Jack: I've got the interpol overnights RIGHT HERE. It says EIGHT
Delivery: SIX! I have Six!
Jack draws the gun
Delivery: SIX!
Jack grabs him and pushes him into the corner and puts the gun to his head
Jack: Now, I know what protocol says, and I know what I'm feeling right now, and I know they're different. Don't make me kill you.
Delivery: Seven?
****
Jack is cleaning the counter when spots that the guy in the corner is *still* there. He storms over to the guy, and slams shut his iBook, narrowly missing the guy's fingers. Jack hurls the table into the wall and yanks the lurker out of his trendy chair.
Jack: WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING?
Guy: wha? wha? Nothing! I'm just chatting!
Jack: You've been here for SIX HOURS!
Guy: This is my OFFICE
Jack: No, this is MY STARBUCKS! [takes his gun out and puts three rounds in the guys iBook] WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING?
Guy: I'm writing a novel
Jack: and I'm the President [Shoots him in the foot] NOW TELL ME!
For anyone interested I did find a kick ass .mp3 for my ringtone. I'll post it if anyone wants it.
What if Jack Bauer ran a Starbucks?
The camera pans up on a starbucks counter in suburban Los Angeles. A strung out Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) stands at a cash register, looking non plussed. A business man in a suit, carrying a briefcase walks up to the counter.
Man 1: Venti Vanilla Soy Latte
Jack: There's no time for that. Here's a large coffee. Now gimme three bucks and you won't get hurt.
Man 1: Um. But what about my Soy?
Jack: **** your soy, can't you see the world's in danger?
****
A hip web programmer walks in and sees Jack at the counter.
Man 2: Yo dude, venti 8 pump soy chai lattte dude.
Jack: There. is. no. time.
Man 2: There's always time for chai, man.
Jack: We are runnning out of time. We can't stick to protocol here, you know I'm right and you'll just have to trust me.
Jack hands him a mocha and pushes him out the front door.
****
Jack goes to refill the milk pitchers and finds them empty. He marches back to the storage area, where his coworker is bound and gagged to a chair, looking panicked. He removes his ball gag and draws the gun out from the waistband of his black jeans.
Jack: WHERE IS THE CREAMER
Employee: *whimper* Don't kill me man
Jack: WHERE IS THE GODDAMN CREAMER!
Employee, crying: I dunno man, this is only my second day
Jack shoots him in the foot, Employee screams.
Jack: We don't have time for this, just tell me where the creamer is before I really snap.
****
Jack is holding a clipboard, looking at the manifest for his supply delivery. A swarthy delivery man is moving boxes out of his truck into the supply room.
Jack: Wait a minute. There are only six boxes of latte flavor bottles here.
Delivery, in accent: I bring what I have
Jack: Don't give me that, I know what the chatter says, you've got eight boxes for me.
Delivery: I know what I have, I have six
Jack: I've got the interpol overnights RIGHT HERE. It says EIGHT
Delivery: SIX! I have Six!
Jack draws the gun
Delivery: SIX!
Jack grabs him and pushes him into the corner and puts the gun to his head
Jack: Now, I know what protocol says, and I know what I'm feeling right now, and I know they're different. Don't make me kill you.
Delivery: Seven?
****
Jack is cleaning the counter when spots that the guy in the corner is *still* there. He storms over to the guy, and slams shut his iBook, narrowly missing the guy's fingers. Jack hurls the table into the wall and yanks the lurker out of his trendy chair.
Jack: WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING?
Guy: wha? wha? Nothing! I'm just chatting!
Jack: You've been here for SIX HOURS!
Guy: This is my OFFICE
Jack: No, this is MY STARBUCKS! [takes his gun out and puts three rounds in the guys iBook] WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING?
Guy: I'm writing a novel
Jack: and I'm the President [Shoots him in the foot] NOW TELL ME!
For anyone interested I did find a kick ass .mp3 for my ringtone. I'll post it if anyone wants it.