Yooformula
01-12-2006, 12:05 AM
This was posted somewhere else but it was too funny to NOT share. He was actually paid by the members $55 to go see the movie and give his review :goof
"So I get out of the shower and gaze at the 237 lbs of heterosexual man meat in the mirror and I think to myself, "I'm a confident secure male I got this". I stroll to the closet, and pick out the thickest 3 articles of clothing available. I conceal my man meat as I think to myself, "Could I really take 30 of them out if I had to". Eh, it's a lost thought, moving along......The clock strikes Nine, I hit the streets in my man-mobile 1993 Mazda 626. Rollin down the road I realize something. Not only is this theater 30 minutes away, but it's 15 minutes down the road from the largest gay community in the country. Fantastic was the first word to mind....
The whole way I'm thinking of excuses. "The theater burnt down dude" , "It was sold out", "I slipped in the shower". Then I'm confused with a mixed emotion, "Man **** this, I got this ****", "I'm secure, I got this", "Hell man it's 50 bucks, thats 25/hr to watch a movie". Quickly followed by the immediate subconcious thought, "Dude are you ******* kidding you're going to see a movie about two gay cowboys, turn the **** around".......None the less, I keep driving.
So I roll up smashing my face into the b-pillar as I try frantickly to find a parking spot. Ah, perfect. The very back row. I get out and look around, "**** man there's a lot of cars here" I thought. Surely it wasn't to see the same movie......or was it. I keep walking, get to the sidewalk. Shamefully I look up at all the other movie posters and think to myself, "Wow i'd really like to see The Ringer tonight". I tighten my hoodie sweater tighter as I approach the front door......****, no credit card machine!! DAMN, I have to actually ASK for this ******* movie ticket. I panic, started throwing together a story...I GOT IT!....."One for Brokeback Mtn plz, IT'S FOR A COLLEGE PROJECT BY THE WAY". Whew......Entering the theater the coast looks clear, nobody around. Cool, all those cars are here for another movie. I walk in, grab some M&M's and make my way to theater #2. Hesitation before I walk in.......I straighten my **** up, make sure I have 0% **** buldge, and walk in this ***** flexing my nuts so damn hard there wasn't a human being within 100 miles that'd think I was gay. Round the corner to make my way to the seats (stadium seating)........Holy ****, there's 300 people in this ******* place ......I wanted to laugh, I wanted to cry, I wanted to run and hide. What did I do? I ****** stood there........And stood some more. Gazed through the audience, and tried for dear life to plot the proper placement for this 2 hrs of fun. AH, the back row is empty, here I come. As I make my way to the third set of stairs I noticed something...........as I came crashing down to the floor face first. The stair spacing is different than the other theaters. **** yea, the only straight bastard in the joint just busted his ass. I hop back up like I meant to do that ****, flex my balls again, and keep steppin. Then all the sudden I hear off in the distance......."Is that Josh Benson". MOTHER OF GOD THERE IS NOT SOMEONE IN HERE I ******* KNOW...........Well, yea. There was. In the far corner, a pack of girls I know yell out "JOOOOSH"!!!!. I about **** a turd right then and there, but reacted swiftly and did the right thing......kept on steppin till I hit the top row like I never saw those bitches before in my life. Park my ass in the corner, breath deeply for about 5 minutes to stop the oncoming heart attack I just almost encountered, and waited for the lights to go out......
I watch the damn movie, while the whole time telling myself "No ****** way i'd kiss a dude no matter how much money you gave me". Several times that thought was quickly followed up by "Well if it was 10 million dollars I could a Z06, some other cars, some bikes..........Josh what the **** are you thinking.....". Moving along......the movie was terrible. There was some female tit shown in the middle, but nothing able to make up for the reckless male ass-pounding adventures. They both fall in love baby sitting sheep, move away and get married, find each other a few years later and ass-pound again, leave their wifes for each other, ass-pound some more, and at the end one of 'em gets beaten to death for being gay. End of story. Really leaves ya hanging.......
So the curtain drops, and I know what this means.........I gotta take a piss before my 30 minute ride home . Do I punk out and drive up the road to the gas station? Or do I suck it up and walk in that pisser like I own it? Damn I gotta ****** PISS, it's goin down right now. As I round the corner to the stalls, it's packed with dudes. Really "sweet" dudes. I stay eye level, watch my back, clench my fist and flex my balls some more in an attempt to show i'm the meanest heterosexual these ****ers have ever seen. DAMN, no stall open. Gotta wait in line. I wait, ignore the smiles I'm getting, even had to tell one dude he was gonna be flushing his teeth down the toilet if he didn't quit talking to me. I take my piss, and from that moment foward, all those ****ers saw was asshole and elbows towards a faded green 626 that disappeared in the night.........
-The events talked about in this story are actually real. They really happend, and the moderator telling this story would like to give out a real big shout to those involved with conning him into seeing this movie. GO F@CK YOURSELFS
-DAMIAN OUT"
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
"So I get out of the shower and gaze at the 237 lbs of heterosexual man meat in the mirror and I think to myself, "I'm a confident secure male I got this". I stroll to the closet, and pick out the thickest 3 articles of clothing available. I conceal my man meat as I think to myself, "Could I really take 30 of them out if I had to". Eh, it's a lost thought, moving along......The clock strikes Nine, I hit the streets in my man-mobile 1993 Mazda 626. Rollin down the road I realize something. Not only is this theater 30 minutes away, but it's 15 minutes down the road from the largest gay community in the country. Fantastic was the first word to mind....
The whole way I'm thinking of excuses. "The theater burnt down dude" , "It was sold out", "I slipped in the shower". Then I'm confused with a mixed emotion, "Man **** this, I got this ****", "I'm secure, I got this", "Hell man it's 50 bucks, thats 25/hr to watch a movie". Quickly followed by the immediate subconcious thought, "Dude are you ******* kidding you're going to see a movie about two gay cowboys, turn the **** around".......None the less, I keep driving.
So I roll up smashing my face into the b-pillar as I try frantickly to find a parking spot. Ah, perfect. The very back row. I get out and look around, "**** man there's a lot of cars here" I thought. Surely it wasn't to see the same movie......or was it. I keep walking, get to the sidewalk. Shamefully I look up at all the other movie posters and think to myself, "Wow i'd really like to see The Ringer tonight". I tighten my hoodie sweater tighter as I approach the front door......****, no credit card machine!! DAMN, I have to actually ASK for this ******* movie ticket. I panic, started throwing together a story...I GOT IT!....."One for Brokeback Mtn plz, IT'S FOR A COLLEGE PROJECT BY THE WAY". Whew......Entering the theater the coast looks clear, nobody around. Cool, all those cars are here for another movie. I walk in, grab some M&M's and make my way to theater #2. Hesitation before I walk in.......I straighten my **** up, make sure I have 0% **** buldge, and walk in this ***** flexing my nuts so damn hard there wasn't a human being within 100 miles that'd think I was gay. Round the corner to make my way to the seats (stadium seating)........Holy ****, there's 300 people in this ******* place ......I wanted to laugh, I wanted to cry, I wanted to run and hide. What did I do? I ****** stood there........And stood some more. Gazed through the audience, and tried for dear life to plot the proper placement for this 2 hrs of fun. AH, the back row is empty, here I come. As I make my way to the third set of stairs I noticed something...........as I came crashing down to the floor face first. The stair spacing is different than the other theaters. **** yea, the only straight bastard in the joint just busted his ass. I hop back up like I meant to do that ****, flex my balls again, and keep steppin. Then all the sudden I hear off in the distance......."Is that Josh Benson". MOTHER OF GOD THERE IS NOT SOMEONE IN HERE I ******* KNOW...........Well, yea. There was. In the far corner, a pack of girls I know yell out "JOOOOSH"!!!!. I about **** a turd right then and there, but reacted swiftly and did the right thing......kept on steppin till I hit the top row like I never saw those bitches before in my life. Park my ass in the corner, breath deeply for about 5 minutes to stop the oncoming heart attack I just almost encountered, and waited for the lights to go out......
I watch the damn movie, while the whole time telling myself "No ****** way i'd kiss a dude no matter how much money you gave me". Several times that thought was quickly followed up by "Well if it was 10 million dollars I could a Z06, some other cars, some bikes..........Josh what the **** are you thinking.....". Moving along......the movie was terrible. There was some female tit shown in the middle, but nothing able to make up for the reckless male ass-pounding adventures. They both fall in love baby sitting sheep, move away and get married, find each other a few years later and ass-pound again, leave their wifes for each other, ass-pound some more, and at the end one of 'em gets beaten to death for being gay. End of story. Really leaves ya hanging.......
So the curtain drops, and I know what this means.........I gotta take a piss before my 30 minute ride home . Do I punk out and drive up the road to the gas station? Or do I suck it up and walk in that pisser like I own it? Damn I gotta ****** PISS, it's goin down right now. As I round the corner to the stalls, it's packed with dudes. Really "sweet" dudes. I stay eye level, watch my back, clench my fist and flex my balls some more in an attempt to show i'm the meanest heterosexual these ****ers have ever seen. DAMN, no stall open. Gotta wait in line. I wait, ignore the smiles I'm getting, even had to tell one dude he was gonna be flushing his teeth down the toilet if he didn't quit talking to me. I take my piss, and from that moment foward, all those ****ers saw was asshole and elbows towards a faded green 626 that disappeared in the night.........
-The events talked about in this story are actually real. They really happend, and the moderator telling this story would like to give out a real big shout to those involved with conning him into seeing this movie. GO F@CK YOURSELFS
-DAMIAN OUT"
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf